Making Amends
by straight-edge punk
Summary: David reminisces about the woman he loved one night and decides to give her a call. One-shot set sometime during David's retirement before coming back to the FBI.


Author's Note: This is my first story so I'm hoping you guys like it. All constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. Enjoy!

David sat in his study swirling the ice in his scotch glass staring at the wall. Night after night, he sat there staring at the walls and wondering, thinking about his life and what he had done. He couldn't sleep, his nightmares haunted by blood, screaming children, images of dead women and their pleading filling his mind. He wrote during the day hoping that putting his thoughts on paper would make them disappear from his head, and during the night he drank. He drank himself under the table hoping to just pass out and that the nightmares would just disappear. His third marriage had just broken up and he didn't remember a time when he felt as if the entire weight of the world was in his shoulders. He didn't love her, he knew that before he proposed, before he went through the wedding, but the prospect of having a warm body to share a bed with, someone who could help him chase away his demons was too much to resist. Putting the glass down he looked at his phone on the desk, it was filled with numbers of women who had passed through his life in one way or another and out of all of them there was only one he wanted to talk to. He wanted to talk to her; he hoped that she would answer and that she would give him a chance, if only just to explain, let her know that he still loved her and his only hope was that he would receive some acknowledgment. He didn't need her to say the words back, that ship had sailed a long time ago, he just wanted her to tell him that she understood. She understood that although he loved her, he was and would always be a flawed man, with a fickle heart and a bad temper that no matter what he did or said would hurt her because it was his nature. He needed to know that she knew that it was never his intention to hurt her or to make her into the woman she had become. He hoped for her forgiveness so that maybe he could sleep a little better knowing that the woman he had once loved with all his heart didn't hate him and that she was happy, even though it wasn't with him. He picked up the phone and scrolled through the numbers until he found hers, leaving no room for hesitation, he pressed the call button and waited.

"Hello?" she said sleepily.

"Erin," he said almost breathless.

"David?" she said and he could hear the surprise in her voice, "It's 2 o'clock in the morning, why are you calling me?"

"I wanted to talk to you," he said simply hoping that the slur in his voice wasn't obvious even though her next statement made it obvious it was.

"Have you been drinking, David?"

"Yeah," he said, "But please don't hang up" He heard her sigh, and for a moment he thought that she would hang up on him and then he wouldn't get to make his amends.

"What's wrong, David?"

"I wanted…I needed to talk to you"

"About what, David?"

"About us," he said.

"David…" she said and he could sense the exasperation in her voice, "It's been a long time since there was an us," she said.

"I know, I just…. I miss you," he said, "Sometimes if I focus enough and close my eyes, I can feel you in my arms and it drives me crazy knowing that you're out there with another man when you should be here with me."

"It doesn't do for you to dwell on memories of the past, I thought that's what you left the FBI for," she said.

"I left the FBI but the FBI didn't leave me," he explained.

"Running away from your problems only makes them worse," she told him.

"Are you happy?" David said and he wasn't fast enough to hide the crack in his voice, "With him?"

"Not really," she said and the sadness in her voice mirrored his, "Content is probably a good word for it"

"Do you miss me? Because I miss you and I was wondering if you ever thought about us"

"Yeah, I do," she admitted softly, "But the prospect of always wondering whether I was enough for you and wondering whether you were telling me you loved me to my face and finding a new woman to warm your bed when I wasn't there was not how I envisioned spending the rest of my life"

"They didn't mean anything to me"

"Neither did I," she said flatly.

"That's not true," he said sadly, "That's never been true, I loved you, and I still love you."

"David, I don't know what you want from me," she said, "You want me to leave my husband and run back to you?"

"I wish," he said wistfully, "But I'm not stupid and I know better"

"Then what is it, David?"

"I want you to know that I do still love you, I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for anything in this world, and I want you to understand that I'm so sorry that I hurt you that I broke your heart and destroyed what we had"

"David, it's been years, there's no need for you to beat yourself up about this," she said knowing that all he really wanted was some comfort in a time of vulnerability.

"Please just tell me that you don't hate me," he pleaded throwing his pride out the window and hoping for a negative response.

"David, are you planning on doing something stupid?" she asked him the concern evident in her voice.

"No, Erin, I'm not, sometimes I wish I had the courage to do it, but I can't"

"Don't say that, David," she said sadly.

"Why not? I can't help anybody anymore, I've hurt too many people with my selfishness and arrogance, I've done so many things I'm not proud of sometimes it hurts to look in the mirror"

"David, beneath it all, you're a good man, everybody makes mistakes"

He took a deep breath, his throat constricting as the tears threatened to break, "Were…Were you ever happy with me?" he asked her knowing that the answer had the power to completely destroy him.

"Yes, I was," she said, "When I was with you, I felt alive, I felt beautiful and special and in my life I have never felt the way I did when I was with you, I loved you, I loved you more than any man I have ever been with, I still love you, I just don't think you and I were meant to be"

"You don't ever wonder?"

"Of course I do, I'm human, David, but like I said before it doesn't do anything to dwell on the past" she said.

There was silence after that and for a moment she thought that maybe he had passed out or something, he sounded extremely drunk but without being sure she didn't want to hang up on him, he was vulnerable at the moment, the last thing she wanted to do was outright reject him.

"You are special," he said firmly, "and beautiful, please don't ever doubt that"

"I'll try not to"

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"I already have, David"

"I hope one day I can earn your trust again, that God will grant me a second chance to be the man you needed me to be," he explained.

"I hope that day comes, too, David," she said, "Until then, drink some water and get some sleep, you're going to have a nasty hangover in the morning," she said and he could almost see her with a warm smile on her face as she gently admonished him. She had taken good care of him in the past, he knew that wouldn't change, it was in her nature for her to take care of the people that she loved, however few those people were.

"I'll try"

"Be careful, David, and get some sleep, I forgive you and I love you, just remember that," she said.

"I love you, too, Erin, good night"

"Good night, David" He hung up the phone setting his glass down, the tears had started rolling but he wasn't going to do anything to stop them. The woman that he loved was in some other man's arms missing him and their lives conspired to keep them apart. One day he would get another chance, he knew that, until then, he would start on a new path. Make amends for his mistakes and become the man that she had always wanted him to be, he would do it for her because he knew that her love was worth fighting for. He hadn't realized it before, but with age came wisdom and understanding of past experiences, he knew now that she was the one who got away and that she would fill the void in his empty life. Slowly, he stood up swaying as he adjusted to being on his feet again and stumbled up to his bedroom falling into bed. He couldn't deny that he felt a little better, his heart a little lighter knowing that he hadn't completely destroyed their future. Hope was a powerful thing and he could only pray that it would get him through the years until they would find each other again. They would find each other again, of that he was certain, their story wasn't over yet.


End file.
